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kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty

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(no subject) [Dec. 9th, 2010|11:22 pm]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
oh, i can never leave you, lj.  i may be gone for a few months, but i always come back.

I never know where to go with stuff like this.  i've never been very good at reaching out and i wouldn't even know how to bring this junk up.  i talked to chuck about it 'cause I can talk to him about anything.  He's just not very good at helping, but he tries.
See, I don't really have friends in Boulder anymore.  I don't have those people who are around every day who can see that I'm not doing so well.  My atypical symptoms include mood reactivity, so I always seem at least mostly okay when I'm out.

So, things aren't going so well.  Well, on paper, everything is going...fine.  Some stuff is great, some stuff sucks, but that's life. 
It's my mind.  I don't know how to stop myself rolling down a hill once I've picked up inertia.  I'm trying, though.  I just worked out, which is supposed to help.  I'm seeing a therapist and such.
The thing that I'm most concerned about is how I'm romanticizing things again.  Turning real sorrow into some kind of tragic beauty that I want to possess and show to others.  It's a bad habit and one that I formed a long, long time ago.  In recent years, I'd learned that people are more attracted to you when you are happy and healthy and full of life. 
But I'm trying to just get through this period without doing anything harmful.  So I'm not really drinking because, although it calms me most of the time, sometimes it's just that little push over the edge.  It lowers my inhibitions when they don't really need to be lowered.
I saw something really triggering the other day and now I can't get it out of my head. 
I have the tools for this.  I just don't remember where.

This is mostly for me, but it feels better when I put it out in the world.
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you should probably just skip the first six 'paragraphs' [Jul. 14th, 2010|04:50 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
I wrote some sad crap, but ended up deleting it.  By writing it all out, I got my thoughts out and understood them.  I don't need to subject you all to working things through with me.  Basically, I am in the midst of a (short-term, six-weekish) lapse in my lexapro.  I am still on a good sized dose of wellbutrin, so I am not completely without.  Nor did I cease abruptly; I stepped the dose down over several weeks.  It's okay except for brain zaps and nightly depressions.  Part of my freak-out was also inspired by the realization that I have been on SSRIs for over ten years.

On a different note: I am so freaking excited to live alone.  I'm positive that it'll get lonely sometimes (especially since almost nobody will be left in boulder), but it'll be awesome to be able to cook in the middle of night, etc.  I'm mostly excited about the nighttime stuff.  i'm out of this place on the 26th, but won't be in my new place until mid-august - I can't move in until the 6th, but I will be out of town then for a while.  So I'm living outta a suitcase for a bit.

I just figured out that (I think) I am 6 classes of A's out from meeting my GPA requirement.  Why can't I just get retroactive disability?  C'mon, I could just go in, show them my journals since I've started college...  Once they are utterly dumbfounded by my melancholy, I'll just ask for my diploma.  This should work, right?  (p.s. the gpa req is all i have left....all i've had left for a bit)

oh, and music has been bitchin' recently.  i've been lovin' the radio (i am a radio charmer; I can make it play the best songs), as well as Matson Jones, Deftones, Crystal Castles, Ninjasonik, Okkervil River and Die Antwoord.  Die Antwoord is really interesting.  They're from South Africa and do "Zef Afrikaans rap rave."  zef is basically South Africa's version of what Americans call white trash or Brits call chavs.  Hipsters around the world have adopted ironic dress and hair - to the point that such things are actually fashionable now.  Five years ago, i'd see someone wearing a BITCHIN'LY tacky thing and i would just think it was funny.  Now, I actually see it and find it stylish in an attractive  way.  Fashion is weird.  anyway, check these guys out.  And, yes, they are characters.  At least partially.  I don't think anything Ninja says in this video is true...but you be the judge.

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(no subject) [Jun. 17th, 2010|04:01 pm]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
i need a place to live in about five weeks and i've got nothing.
plus, i'm alone, so it's even harder.
i can't afford studios or one bedrooms around here, but i also don't want to live with strangers.
this sucks.
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2010|04:11 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
hello, livejournal.  it's been a while.
i want to read back through the last three months of my friends' page, but somehow i can't find the button to go to earlier entries.

becaue im unsure what to write, i'll just say that tonight i'm thinking of a placebo song, 'commercial for levi'

you're the one who's always choking trojan,
you're the one who's always bruised and broken.

drunk on immorality - valium and cherry wine
coke and ocstasy - you're gonna blow your mind.

i understand the facsination
I've even been there once or twice - or more
but if you don't change your situation,
then you'll die - don't die, don't die.
please don't die.
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(no subject) [Feb. 11th, 2010|01:49 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
awesome.  my upper-middle class detroit suburb county -one of the richest in the nation - though perhaps not these days - officially has a big enough heroin problem to lead someone to create a facebook group about it, listing names of the kids who have overdosed and died, among other discussions and such. 

it has over 2,000 members, including 15 of my friends - and i believe its only 2 or 3 weeks old.

p.s. the group is 'oakland county: the damage done' after the neil young song that makes me want to rip my heart out so it can't be sad anymore
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(no subject) [Feb. 8th, 2010|03:24 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
i feel like i'm barely holding onto everything by my fingertips - but that isn't actually true.
deep breath, things aren't spiraling out of control.  you just have some stuff to do tomorrow.
this anxiety attack brought to you by: lots of little things, but the tipping point was realizing that I don't know where my tax stuff from PRISM went.  it came the other day and was on the table and now it's not.  my roommate has a habit of cleaning in a way that is so often just moving stuff; it's rather odd.

can someone please teach my cat how to make happy-sounding meows?  she only knows how to bitch.

ugh why is it always too late to call someone when i feel like this?
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2009|07:09 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
i was just getting oddly sentimental about this guy i know. he's a full-blown teacher now - for middle school kids, i think. anyway, i just saw on of his fb updates about how he's got parent-teacher conferences tonight and it got me thinking...
he is, hands down, the person i have known the longest outside of my family. we lived across the street for each other when we were baby babies and then he moved a few streets away when we were like four.
his older sister babysat for me. he and i would tease his little sister. we went to latch key together. our parents knew each other. i'm pretty sure his parents still live in the house a few streets over - whenever i'd go home, i'd see his dad jogging up the gigantic hill that seperated our streets.
he and this other guy who went to latch key with us are still best friends. i see their stuff on fb all the time and it warms my heart. i love the idea of being best friends from the time you're learning your multiplication tables to when you're a teacher yourself.

anyway, i don't know why, but i'm just feeling...i don't know what exactly - just feeling.
i knew him from before kindergarten and i guess i'm just glad that i still am sorta-kinda-facebook-level in touch with him these days.
when i was five, i wanted to marry you, mister rataj.

p.s. i really really want to write his full name, but i just did a quick google and saw that he appears to be the only person in the world (at least the googlable world) with his name, and i don't want him or his gf to google his name and be like, umm, some chick you havent seen in five years or even been particularly close with in ten years wrote a blog about you....
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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2009|12:55 pm]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
to whom it may concern/anyone in my life:
i dont like you anymore. yeah, you heard me. i'm breaking up with you. or at least for a week. i will be starting my last final in half an hour and, once that is over, i am not going to speak to you for a while. because you are all driving me crazy. stressed people, when put together, are volatile. i'm bored of this and i'm annoyed with you.
i'm just being honest, folks.
hoping we can be friends again in a week,
kathy evans
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(no subject) [Dec. 11th, 2009|03:16 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
"why do i say i'm fine when it's obvious i am not?
why is it so hard to tell you what i want?
why can't you just read my mind?"

indeed, alanis. for whatever reason, i've always shied away from asking for help.
when i'm feeling shitty, i have a tendancy to hide and...not necessarily lick my wounds so much as pretend they aren't there. i want to be alone but, after a bit, i want someone to help me out.
i assume people close to me understand my warning signs, but i should accept that most don't. not that they don't know and lvoe me, just it's stupid to think people think about me that much.

anyway, one of the best indicators is sleeping into the afternoon. i've been doing that a lot lately and realized that, on some level, i want someone to notice and ask me about it. on another level, i really, really don't.

i should know better than this. i also wasted hours and hours of therapy time when i was teenager, not saying what i should have but rather waiting to be asked about it specifically.

also - for my birthday, my parents said that they would pay for half of bucket's medical expenses. i started crying because it meant so much to me. they were saying that they knew it was special circumstances, so they wanted to help me out.
i brought it up the other day, asking if they could transfer it to me so i could pay rent. they did, but with a little bit of lecturing about spending within my means. it sort of made me feel useless.

ugh, i can be so egocentric: i need reminding that other people's successes do not equal my failure.
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(no subject) [Dec. 9th, 2009|05:49 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
sometimes, the constant flow of people in my teeny apartment drives me nuts. tonight, though, it's darling. my own cozy little family. snow and extreme cold have been known to have this effect on me...

the heat at julie's apartment is broken, so she came over and is sleeping in kristen's room. kristen is passed out on the couch with our kitty curled up on her and katherine (pulling an all-nighter to finish her comic book for class) is quietly drawing, using a lamp lit underneath our glass coffee table to help her trace. I'm watching tv at a low volume/reading.

it's really fun to be surrounded by people in silence, i guess.

tomorrow, i'm taking a bunch of pennies to the bank so i can eat!
and, at some point, i imagine i should study for finals.
also, white elephant gift exchange at prism (but i love all of my tacky crap, what shall i bring) and a friend's party.

the last month has been super shitty, but i am feeling okay at the moment.
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