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"why do i say i'm fine when it's obvious i am not? why is it so hard… - here i go again on my own [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty

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[Dec. 11th, 2009|03:16 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
"why do i say i'm fine when it's obvious i am not?
why is it so hard to tell you what i want?
why can't you just read my mind?"

indeed, alanis. for whatever reason, i've always shied away from asking for help.
when i'm feeling shitty, i have a tendancy to hide and...not necessarily lick my wounds so much as pretend they aren't there. i want to be alone but, after a bit, i want someone to help me out.
i assume people close to me understand my warning signs, but i should accept that most don't. not that they don't know and lvoe me, just it's stupid to think people think about me that much.

anyway, one of the best indicators is sleeping into the afternoon. i've been doing that a lot lately and realized that, on some level, i want someone to notice and ask me about it. on another level, i really, really don't.

i should know better than this. i also wasted hours and hours of therapy time when i was teenager, not saying what i should have but rather waiting to be asked about it specifically.

also - for my birthday, my parents said that they would pay for half of bucket's medical expenses. i started crying because it meant so much to me. they were saying that they knew it was special circumstances, so they wanted to help me out.
i brought it up the other day, asking if they could transfer it to me so i could pay rent. they did, but with a little bit of lecturing about spending within my means. it sort of made me feel useless.

ugh, i can be so egocentric: i need reminding that other people's successes do not equal my failure.