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oh, i can never leave you, lj.  i may be gone for a few months,… - here i go again on my own [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty

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[Dec. 9th, 2010|11:22 pm]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
oh, i can never leave you, lj.  i may be gone for a few months, but i always come back.

I never know where to go with stuff like this.  i've never been very good at reaching out and i wouldn't even know how to bring this junk up.  i talked to chuck about it 'cause I can talk to him about anything.  He's just not very good at helping, but he tries.
See, I don't really have friends in Boulder anymore.  I don't have those people who are around every day who can see that I'm not doing so well.  My atypical symptoms include mood reactivity, so I always seem at least mostly okay when I'm out.

So, things aren't going so well.  Well, on paper, everything is going...fine.  Some stuff is great, some stuff sucks, but that's life. 
It's my mind.  I don't know how to stop myself rolling down a hill once I've picked up inertia.  I'm trying, though.  I just worked out, which is supposed to help.  I'm seeing a therapist and such.
The thing that I'm most concerned about is how I'm romanticizing things again.  Turning real sorrow into some kind of tragic beauty that I want to possess and show to others.  It's a bad habit and one that I formed a long, long time ago.  In recent years, I'd learned that people are more attracted to you when you are happy and healthy and full of life. 
But I'm trying to just get through this period without doing anything harmful.  So I'm not really drinking because, although it calms me most of the time, sometimes it's just that little push over the edge.  It lowers my inhibitions when they don't really need to be lowered.
I saw something really triggering the other day and now I can't get it out of my head. 
I have the tools for this.  I just don't remember where.

This is mostly for me, but it feels better when I put it out in the world.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: 477150n
2010-12-12 10:13 pm (UTC)
Sending you lots of encouragement. It sounds like you're doing everything you know you should be doing. I'm sure you will find the tools you have, and probably some new ones.
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[User Picture]From: agape720
2010-12-18 01:38 am (UTC)
When I start getting down, I try to make myself start doing stuff to get out of the house, even if I don't feel like it...go on a walk, start doing a dance class, whatever. Sitting at home thinking for hours is about the worst thing for a fragile mental state.
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From: yomadong
2011-04-15 10:49 pm (UTC)
Just want to say what a great blog you got here!

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