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kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty

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(no subject) [Dec. 3rd, 2009|06:48 pm]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
hmm. my recently-diagnosed schizophrenic friend from home is attempting to come out to boulder to get away from the people in detroit who are trying to kill him. like, tomorrow. at first he said he'd be in here in a couple of weeks and then said a couple of days.

apparently, the gay mafia of detroit is after his HIV-resistant blood? and, of course, the cops are in on it.

i didn't try to break his delusions, but then quickly made some phone calls and hopefully he can be prevented from showing up at my door (he's been to my apartment before), psychotic, while i'm in the midst of finals....

after pointing a rifle (oh, and he has military training) at our friend who was his roommate at the time, he was legally committed to a hospital for a couple of weeks. he just got out last week and has apparently already quit taking his drugs.

i don't mean to air all of his dirty laundry, but i'm kind of worried. I'm worried for me and I'm worried for him and for his mother. I don't know what will happen to this kid who has been my friend for years...when we were in high school, he and his mom got into an argument and the cops were called. i came and got him and we drove around all night and then watched the sun rise over a quarry outside of town and sang along to guilty-pleasure songs on the radio. i love this kid...it's really difficult.
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(no subject) [Nov. 5th, 2009|08:54 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
so my little bucket (my chinchilla) was having her nightly playtime in which she runs around my room for 30-45 minutes.
she was near the door when the cat - who was sitting outside my door - reached her paw and front leg UNDER my door and scratched Bucket pretty bad.
We went to the emergency vet where she was sedated and had surgery.  She spent the night there and came home this morning with some meds and a little cone-collar, which she hates.  We'll be going back in a couple of days to get her drain taken out and she can get the cone off then. 
I just fed her some hay because with the cone her little hands can't reach her mouth.
so, we'll go in to get her drain out in a few days and then get her sutures out a little bit after that.
the cost of this - so far - has been $448.31
so my birthday is two weeks from today...i think i'm going to ask people not to buy me drinks, but to give me a couple of dollars.
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(no subject) [Nov. 2nd, 2009|08:32 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
My uncle died on Friday.  The day before, his friend had been to see him and urged him to go to the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing.  My uncle refused.  He died the next day.
Go to the doctor or hospital when things are weird.  It might seem like overreacting, but it could save your life.
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a couple of days late, but... [Oct. 31st, 2009|07:41 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
much love to you, nolan toler, wherever you are.
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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2009|04:10 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
i have been very music-heavy the past week or two.  it's good.
i doubt anyone will, but if you happen to be interested, you can check out my last.fm for what i've been into
i've been to some incredible shows this fall so far and have got a bunch more ahead of me
which is sort of tough because i've also got tons of school-related stuff

a few of my friends have been in rough situations the past couple of weeks.
it's reinforced my desire to be a therapist but underscored the fact that i have no idea how to be one

after essentially living alone for half a year or more, it's a bit strange to have a roommate again.  especially one who is doing online classes and so always home.  i'm working on how to employ my own space when i need it and not ignore that need until i want to kill everyone.

erica cut my hair tonight in her kitchen.  i love kitchen hair cuts.
a couple of weeks ago i mentioned to my mom that i needed a hair cut.  she said hopefully, "by a professional?"
no, mom.  i can't abide hair cuts costing so much - especially when professionals always tone down what i really want.  when my friend do it in their kitchens, they do it as extreme as i want.

speaking of spending money, i broke down and got a new wallet.  it rocks.  however, it may have gotten lost/stolen in the last two days, so boo to that.

i don't even know what i'm doing this weekend; there are so many things that i said i'd try to make it to.  but, really, i think i'd most prefer lazing around at home and working on my paper in between naps.

i apologize for how boring this is.  much love

p.s. this is stuck in my head:
"want you to take me to the H,
take me to the O,
want you to take me to the S,
take me to the P
want you to take me to the I-T-A-L
want you to take me to the hospital."
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(no subject) [Oct. 25th, 2009|06:47 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
i thought i had something to say, but then it turned out i didn't.
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bright eyes ruined radiohead [Oct. 20th, 2009|03:14 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
i saw mirah again tonight.

i've been listening to idioteque by radiohead a lot lately and really digging the line "we're not scaremongering, this is really happening."
but then that makes me think of the end of center of the world by bright eyes - "this isn't happening, happening, happening, happening, happening.  It is!"
Thus, bright eyes ruined radiohead for me.
well, not really.

so while i was thinking of this, i put on my favorite bright eyes album, fevers and mirrors.  and i would like to share "an attempt to tip the scales" with all of those reading, which is just me.

did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
like the sun's just gonna drop if it's night you demand?
well, in the night we are just air so the house might dissolve
once we're gone who's going to care if we were ever here at all
well, summer's gonna come, it's gonna cloud our eyes again
no need to focus when there's nothing that's worth seeing

so we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales.
i think you lost what you loved in that mess of details
they seemed so important at the time, now you can't even recall
any names, faces or lines, it's more the feeling of it all.
well, winter's gonna end, i'm gonna clean these veins again
so close to dying that i finally can start living

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(no subject) [Oct. 18th, 2009|04:04 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
I just want to write these words all over my body
i want to tattoo meaningful things
but, i don't like text tattoos as much.
and you can only have a few words before it looks dumb.

things like:
DECIDE (maybe decide and deconstruct)
i am a deconstruction worker
something related to an everclear line which was my senior quote, "we can get lost in the fall, glimmer, sparkle, and fade."

for some odd reason, for years now I have been really drawn to this line from a Velvet Underground song, "the people all call her alaska."
that has no relation to me and i've never thought too much about it, but i love it.

I just want to curl up inside some phrases and words.

i also have an affinity for songs with my name in them and people have commented on how a couple of them fit me: "Her Brand New Skin" by everclear, "This Year" by Mountain Goats, "America" by simon and garfunkel,

these don't fit me too well but I enjoy nonetheless
"Kathy with a K's Song" by Bright Eyes, "Kathy's Song" by simon and garfunkel, "Kathy's Song" by Apoptygma Berzerk.
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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2009|02:59 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
[in my ears |i don't like the new YACHT album]

I don't really get tired.  At least never around the time I want to go to sleep.
I never really have, I think.
I have never unintentionally fallen asleep reading a book or watching something. 
I usually just think, ugh, i guess i should make myself sleep now.
It doesn't take very long for me to fall asleep, it's just that I put off getting into bed for a long time

It's like when you have to go to the post office, but you're wrapped up in what you're doing and so you keep putting it off until it's after five and you have to go the next day.
That's what sleep feels like for me.  I have to stop having fun.
There are occasions where I am actually sleepy and I find the sensation to be somewhat luxurious.  You can hunker down in your blankets and drift off, happy.
I wish that were the norm for me.

I barely slept last night and, even so, I'd be perfectly content to read or play solitaire while listening to music until the sun rises.

I'm sure sleeping pills would help, but it's the same basic problem.  I sometimes have some and i just never take them because I want to continue doing what I'm doing and I keep putting off taking them until it's too late and I can't take them or I'll be asleep for the entire day.

This doesn't really bother me; I long ago decided that I cannot really take classes before noon.  I'm just musing and wondering if other people get legit tired normally.
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2009|02:00 am]
kazi, ms jackson if ya nasty
hello, old friend.  it's been a little bit.
the weather is perfect - cold without wind.
Reading about BDSM for sex class made me light-headed.
I have a very mild case of what the DSM calls 'Specific Phobia: Blood-Injection-Injury Subtype."  Interestingly, all other phobias cause acceleration of the sympathetic nervous system.  However, this subtype causes a drop in blood pressure.  Also, this is the most heritable form of specific phobia and my dad has it as well. SO there.

I've been feeling overwhelmed.  Not by school so much as by my friends.  I love all of them but am feeling like I keep getting pulled in every direction.  Everyone wants a piece of me and I'm not sure I even have enough for me right now.
And this sucks because I have a handful of  friends who legitimately could use love and support right now and I almost don't have the energy.
I love the beginning of fall/winter.  I could wax poetic on that, but I'm not sure I want to sound like a fourteen year old.  Suffice it to say that spring and summer fill you with warmth, which provides a (false?) sense of happiness.  The cold isn't depressing, just accurate.  I prefer that.
It's been a hard few weeks, but, to be honest, I've enjoyed myself.  Any longer and this will be a problem.  But there is a certain amount of self-indulgent sadness that one is allowed, right?
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